(A New Kind of) Muscial Record

Record: Deepest Concert (geographically, not metaphoraclly)

Record Holder: Katie Melua

Back in October, 2006, Jazz/Blues artist Katie Meula played two half hour sets on the Troll A Offshore Gas Platform in the Troll Gas Field, at a recorded depth of 994 ft (303m) below sea level. The scant audience of 20 rig workers had won tickets to the event. Presumably, they had all called the same radio station that day, as it is the only radio station whose signal is strong enough to be picked up that far off the coast of Norway. This record proves once again that there are trolls pretty much everywhere, all over the Norwegian countryside.

Record: Fastest MC

Record Holder: Chojin (born Domingo Edjang Moreno)

Spanish rapper Chojin, with one of those little upward slanting accent marks over the 'i', broke the record for fastest MC by pronouncing (and pronouncing correctly) 921 syllables in one minute in front of Guinness officials in Madrid in December, 2008, surpassing the previous record of 852 syllables. This may sound astonishing, but it sounds to me only slightly faster than the average native Spanish speaker. See for yourself. This Beat's from Europe...

Record: Longest Individual Drum Marathon

Record Holder: Russ Prager

In March of 2009, good ol' boy Russ Prager showed the world that sometimes slow and unsteady can win the race too, by drumming for 120 hours at a Guitar Center in Sacramento and claiming the title of Longest Marathon Drummer. While this is all very impressive, there seem to be few regulations regarding what constitutes 'stopping' and how many slip ups results in disqualifications. Here he is at hour 22, and again 10 hours later... Champions don't make excuses, Russ.

When consulting the Guinness Book, most of the musical achievements could be easily placed into two categories: feats of size or feats of speed. Aside from being an awesome name for an amphetamine-addled metal band, The Feats of Speed is something we, as Americans, should excel at and SUV's, the super-size and Enzyte all testify to the fact that we want bigger and harder. Therefore, the obstacle is ours to overcome. Let's build the largest, longest, loudest synthesizer this world has ever seen. And let's do this as fast as possible...